Thursday, 7 December 2017

,

Haze

 
I'm not going to apologise to myself for not posting this prior to this. I think I've had an interesting year - one that has for the most part, exceeded expectations. There are lot of things that I could have done better - I could probably have slept more, drank more water, made more time for my friends. There are also a lot of things I did better at - I'm a little less plugged in, I've been less stressed overall, I'm working on an enjoyable exercise routine, my grades are better. There's always something that could've been better, or something that I regret. But that's okay.

I'm trying to be better about this. It's okay.


I've talked to a lot of people about a lot of things this year. We always come back to this point in conversation - what are we doing here? I think about this a lot - about whether I'm making the right choices, if one day, ten years down the track, I'm going to be questioning the decisions I made now. I also look at people who are older and seemingly wiser than me, and wonder how they do it, and will I ever figure it out? But then, these people always tell me a lot of the same things - they're not happy with some things - like maybe they should've taken a gap year after university, or that there are things about their job that they dislike - but they're also content about a lot of things, like how they had a great holiday, they love their kids, and that I'm going to be okay.

The consistency of this message that I hear from a variety of people is simultaneously nerve-wracking and also heartening. Sometimes I hear these things and I question myself so much more intensely - am I really meant to be doing this? Am I assuming a lot of things that will be appear plainly wrong in a few years? Should I consider an alternative pathway? Maybe I should reconsider everything I have already decided for myself. But sometimes I also think that I'm going to be okay.

I just can't see it yet.

And sometimes, there are really good days, when I can really see it.

Today was one of those really good days. I saw some of my dearest friends. I took photos. My eyeliner was good. I smiled a lot. The sun was shining. I ate well. I listened to good music. I drank good coffee and read a book. I made a terrarium. I said a warm goodbye to people who took me under their wing. Parliament made marriage equality happen.

My heart feels full. I hope yours does too.
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